a three-fold forgiveness practiceseemingly, the most obvious step on the path of forgiveness is that of forgiving others. i’m not sure, though, that this is the most important step. rather i think the most profound step is learning to forgive ourselves, as we explored in a previous post.to look inside and ask questions allows us to hold the challenge a bit more lightly. 
is it possible that i have played a part in my own undoing? what was my role in the wounding situation? how have i taken part in this drama? is it easier for me to see myself as the victim of someone else’s actions? would i rather be “right” than see my mistakes?certainly we have all made errors in our relationships. this is an aspect of human nature, challenging though it is. when i can accept the ways in which i contributed, the part that i played in the unfolding of the often times shakespearian scenes, the way i have held on to my hurt, i can offer myself some tenderness and care.it is the human in me that behaved so poorly. it is the human in me that held on to the anger. it is the all too human in me who withheld love. when i finally see, and accept, my own humanness, i can then take the next step…forgiving the other.
forgiving the other is a gift to myself, for it liberates me as well as freeing the other person. suddenly i can breathe more fully, i can see more clearly and i am able to express more of my authentic self. it is not necessary for the other person to know i have forgiven her/him. it is only necessary for me to forgive and let go. certainly my relationship with the other will change. then i can take the next step of asking for forgiveness.
this step on the elder’s path may seem unobtainable. we might begin with what is possible and then stretch a bit further to what, at one time, might have felt impossible. asking forgiveness for the wrongs, the hurts, the pain i have caused humbles me. it again reminds me that i am human. having forgiven myself for these hurts, asking forgiveness is more easeful, more flowing, more honest. asking for forgiveness begins to relieve the burden of guilt and regret i have carried. this burden is often as debilitating as the anger and resentment and self-righteousness i have carried.this three-fold practice of forgiveness is a life-long commitment. it allows us to grow into our elderhood more fully each day, each moment…with compassion.
the path of forgiveness~~part two
it is often hard to forgive. and it is imperative to know which people and situations can be forgiven with ease and grace and which will take time…sometimes a long time…to forgive.the well-known, american, buddhist teacher jack kornfield reminds us,
“We have all been betrayed, abandoned, hurt or abused. We have all betrayed, abandoned, hurt, or abused others. The world is full of greed, hatred, racism, injustice.”
hurt happens to us all. it is human and universal. and we usually hurt, and are hurt by, those who mean the most to us. it is in our heart that the hurt lies, in that most intimate space, as a dark miasma or a raging fire.kornfield then goes on to tell us,
“Forgiveness is an invitation to remember the transforming power of our own heart. It is a reminder there is another way . . . living with compassion.”
compassion too lives in the heart…a deep, spacious openness that is also intimate.
rabbi zalman schachter-shalomi put it another way. he teaches that our lack of forgiveness imprisons both ourself and the other. we are both shackled in the fog of resentment, anger, grief and pain which often festers over decades. we have become our own jailer, for we must stay in jail with the other. we are limited by our inability, or unwillingness, to forgive. we have limited our ability to give and receive love, that most intimate of emotions. our vitality is restricted. and we stay stuck in the prison, unable to move on with life.
holding on to grudges is often a reflection of the need to be “right”, to prove our own moral high ground. to release those holdings brings us onto a level field with the other. we can then begin to find ways of repair. while we may not find love again, we can open our hearts to life again.there are some pathways to forgiveness which we will consider in the next few blog posts.
meanwhile, let us all hold the practice of forgiveness in our heartmind.let us begin to walk the elder’s path of life repair.
the path of forgivenss~~part one
in the process of evolving into elderhood we inevitably come up against painful memories. many of these remembrances bring the pain of regret, the pain of knowing we have caused harm to others, or to ourselves. as we deepen our consciousness we might struggle to find a way to forgive ourselves in order to be free of the weight of guilt. 
can we reframe those events? can we begin to look at the situations which we regret as those that forge us into the complete humans we aspire to be? are they not the spur to growth?this reckoning is not a mere gloss, a covering over of what we have done and the sadness we feel about our actions. our heartfelt desire to have “done it differently” is the mark of a shift in consciousness. it is a mark of humility that ennobles our growth. the very fact that the memory awakens some pain demonstrates that we have learned from the experience. in our current state of awareness we would act differently.it is also the beginning of what, in the jewish tradition, is called t’shuvah. this word literally means “turning”. it is a change in direction, a new path, a return to wholeness. in most faiths there is a way of turning to a connection with the divine.
in our contemporary world we can use both traditional and newer forms of return. we can daily re-orient ourselves before sleep and take account of the day’s events. each week we can look deeply at our behaviour toward ourselves and others. monthly, in time with the new moon when the sky is darkest, we can shine a light into the soul and see a larger picture where patterns emerge.and finally, an annual reckoning allows the eye of the eagle to come into play. in the jewish tradition this takes place on yom kippur, the day of atonement (at-one-ment). this is the moment of the deepest self-forgiveness. we are then free to ask forgiveness of those we have injured and to offer forgiveness to those who might have caused us pain.in such ways we return to our sacred centre…connected and whole.
a fire burns
searching into our hearts we might find a fire of longing.
it burns brightly, fiercely. sometimes it might be dampened. at other times it may seem almost out of control. this fire is the beauty in our eyes, in our passion, in our voices. it is the radiance we develop as we grow into elderhood.crossing the threshold from adulthood to elderhood allows this fire of inner beauty to show itself.
how impoverished we are as our culture recognises only the beauty of the current standard of good looks. how denigrated is the beauty of wrinkled skin which reflects the many streams of tears shed.
how denied is the beauty of white hair which reflects decades of experience.
how rejected is the beauty of a slow pace which reflects the ability to observe, to be present to life’s passing display.
how dismissed is the wisdom of elders which reflects days and nights of learning and growing.
and, in spite of all of this exclusion, there is a fire that burns, the fire of longing to express what we know, the longing to connect, the longing to be valued, the longing to be.the step into elderhood, the process of growing into the depth of realisation, creates a re-firement. with it comes excitement, the ability to see beyond the stereotypes and the rejection to a space of creativity, vibrance and peace.this re-firement is the light that comes from the soul.
the temple of memory
take a journey.visit the temple of memory.
is it a journey only into the difficult past? is it only the memory of failings, failures, mistakes, regrets?can we also awaken to, and hold as sacred, everything that has happened. often, the errors arise first, the regrets. and then, if we can allow it, the joys, the connections, the learnings, the sunrises, the irises in bloom.
it is this harvest, available on deep reflection, that gives meaning and depth to all we’ve experienced. in the sacred space of contemplation, of stillness, we gather in the richness of life.then, in this space, we can honour ourselves into elderhood. we become the vessel for wisdom and can create a legacy for those who follow on the journey. they may be younger than we are or they may be our peers. they are all on the journey.the conversations can be held on the doorstep of the temple, guidance can be given.
and yet each of us must enter the temple of memory alone. each solitary step takes us deeper into the plenitude of a life. each solitary step brings us into the sanctuary of greater understanding, greater compassion and greater generosity.our solitary steps bring us into connection with others as they experience their temple.we can leave markers that lead to the door of the temple of memory, so that, in the end, we share together in community, the awakening into elderhood.
'nuff said
When you see me sitting quietly,Like a sack left on a shelf, 
Don't think I need your chattering.I'm listening to myself.Hold! Stop! Don't pity me!Hold! Stop your sympathy!Understanding if you get it,Otherwise, I'll do without it. When my bones are stiff and aching,And my feet won't climb the stair,I will only ask one favor,:Don't bring me no rocking chair.
When you see me walking, stumbling,Don't study and get it wrong.'Cause tired don't mean lazyAnd every goodbye ain't gone.
I'm the same person I was back then,A little less hair, a little less chin,A lot less lungs and much less wind.But ain't I lucky I can still breathe in.~~~~maya angelou