as the days pass, some flow with ease, others don’t. there are days of glorious sunrises, delightful adventures, deep connections with self and others, sunsets that inspire awe and great telly.
other days are filled with difficulty, regret, leaden skies, painful news, grief and boredom.
and then there are the days that remind us of the passage of days as registered in our physical form. an injury, a twist, a misstep, a shooting pain, another limitation. these are the days that we might find ourselves in a feedback loop of sensation, labelling, desire for relief, ice packs and paracetamol.
even doing ‘good’ things, such as exercise, might create these challenges. sometimes they just seem to happen, out of the blue of our living on planet earth…sometimes with no discernible cause, sometimes with a very clear cause.how do we respond? the entire gamut of emotions often arises in these moments...anger, disbelief, fury, amazement, sadness, grief, curiosity.
it is this last that might fascinate the elder. how has this body changed? what can I learn from this new ache, this unexpected pain, this ‘different’ body? where is my threshold for these changes? can i breathe through this? do i need to visit a health care practitioner? My GP? A&E?curiosity seasoned with discernment might be the mantra for our ageing bodies. buddhists suggest we sit with and observe the sensations in the knowledge that they will change. the sensations will increase, decrease, cease altogether. and change they will. decades of experience with our bodies have taught us how they might open to the new, how they might shut down to the unexpected, what actions we usually take. the elder can learn to approach the inevitable changes with compassion for ourselves and our peers.some days are easy, some days not. it is true that some of us have higher pain thresholds that others of us, a higher capacity to be in the uncomfortable. it is also true that some of us respond with more willingness than others of us. what is important here is self-knowledge...knowing our patterns and choosing to follow them or to try something different. one path is not better than another, simply different.it is the awareness that matters...whether the day is easy, or not.
who is an elder? you?
the term ‘elder’, when applied to you, may bring up some reactions in your heartmind…who am i to be an elder? what wisdom do i have? who would look up to me? i don’t hold the stories of my supposed tribe!
in many indigenous cultures elders are expected to use their wisdom, gathered from long experience, in ways that will guide and benefit their communities. they become the community’s leaders. this transition often happens at age 50 (!). the elders take on this mantle and therefore participate fully in the life of their community rather than simply becoming invisible and waiting to die.
very few of us live in this tribal way, though our family, whether of blood or choice, could be seen as a tribe. and most of us at 50 are still working and in the ‘adult’ phase of life. we move into elderhood much later these days.the question, for us, remains, what differentiates an ‘elder’ from an ‘older’ in our society? to my mind the answer is multi-dimensional. as we step into this world we become is willing to ‘assume the mantle’ of an elder. this indicates a change in consciousness. it is an internal step over a threshold of the heart. it is a recognition of our unique experience and its value to those around us.it is also a recognition that the work of the adult phase has, for the most part, ended and the work of the elder phase begun. though we may still be in the world of livelihood, our vision of that world is changed along with our relationship to it.this change of consciousness doesn’t happen automatically with the accumulation of years. it is the result of inner transformation that comes from looking deeply at that which needs healing, re-framing, nurturing, forgiving, and preparing. it is about the harvest and celebration of our authenticity, of who we truly are. while not every older may be an elder right now, it is my belief that all olders have the potential within to become elders.this change in consciousness asks us to be honest, to be courageous and to be open. in this process we willingly, and with great kindness, look at our mortality…not an easy step. this inner inquiry, however, allows us to laugh, to find joy and to live each day to the full. we can live our values with more zest.we can live life at its juicy best!
spiritual eldering
uh oh...there's that word again...spiritual.what does it mean to you?one way to look at it is to disconnect it from any particular faith or cultural path. while for many of us, the faith in which we were raised or have adopted, fulfills our deeper needs. for others it may not.however we might relate to our past experiences, there is an inner longing, an inner drive to connect.
it seems as if we are hard-wired to join with others as well as with our inner world. we can nurture a profound, personal connection with ourselves, with others, with our past, present and future, as well as mother nature. we can also foster a connection with whatever it is that might be called "something greater than ourselves."it this way, 'spiritual' is an inclusive term. it acknowledges that we can gratefully recive teachings from a vast array of traditional spiritual paths and beliefs.
we can practice deep listening, both to our inner being and to that of others, as a way of connecting. in this way, we honour and respect the wisdom of others who are, or have been, on a path parallel to ours.
this sort of spiritual practice encourages a life of integrity as we harvest the widom we have gained and then share with others as a legacy. it is then easy to give back through service to those close to us, to our local communities and to the larger world. this sort of sevice is a natural outcome of our continued spiritual growth.this spiritual path of the elder creates a generosity of life-force that fosters joy in our relationships, allows us to honour life and brings a gentle smile to our lips each day.
perennials
“They are not slowing down but taking on new challenges, roles, and responsibilities…They are not wilting in the autumnal year of their life. There a perennials. And, like their namesake in nature, they are hardy, with the ability to withstand changes to their environment; they adapt, evolve and grow anew.”
so says ben page, the chief executive of ipsos mori, in the introduction to a 100+ page report. based on data collected from all over the world some astounding facts emerged…73% of people in india look forward to old age, though only 1/3 around the world do. in germany you are considered to be old at 62 and in spain it’s 74. however in saudi arabia it’s 55!!!!by 2050 one in five people in the UK will live to be 100.it seems that UK perennials between 65 and 75 are happy and consider things they are doing to be worthwhile, including sex. (meanwhile, those 40-59 experience high levels of anxiety and low levels of satisfaction. i wonder if that includes their sex lives….?)and those of us over 50 have enormous economic power. to quote an article about this report in the ‘i’ newspaper (1 april 2019…this was not their april fool’s day article!), “if the silver pound were a sovereign nation, it would be the world’s third-largest economy.”
this buying power also gives us a political power. while there are certainly many olders who are poor and isolated, those of us who have the ability to do so can make a difference by our consumer choices. we can support artisans, plastic-free products, organic foods and farmers’ markets, local booksellers and make investments in ethical companies. we can participate in actions dealing with climate change and support organisations concerned with the environment or with erdicating sex trafficking. we can donate to charities that support conscious ageing. we can vote with our silver pounds.while i haven’t read the actual report, i was over-joyed to read the article. the “i” has a large circulation, both online and in print, so lots of people will have read this article. it has further inspired me to continue to change the paradigm of ageing, both in myself and in the world.will you join me? what sort of perennial are you? where is your place in the rich, abundant garden of life? how satisfied are you with your life as it is right now, in this breath...or in bed? how are you spending your well-earned coins?how are we changing the paradigm of ageing?
courage
it takes tremendous courage to live well. this is true at any age. that courage is tested in different ways at different stages of life…the courage to ride a bicycle without training wheels,
the courage to receive your first kiss, the courage to be the first in your family to attend university,
the courage to make a commitment, the courage to start a new career, the courage to say ‘yes’ to growing old.
in each stage we have dared. we have dared to break through a real or imagined barrier. as an elder it takes tremendous courage to look back and explore all the guilty feelings, the joys, the defeats, the successes, the boredom and the elation. to courageously go where no one has gone before…for no one else has lived your life.to explore one’s life as a journey, a pathway, a river is to see it as whole and true. this is your creation, complete and magnificent. to create this vision might demand the process of reframing.
to reframe what we might see as defeat, we can ask some questions. “what have i learned? how have i used that learning since the initial lesson? how can i continue to use that learning in the present? how can i pass that wisdom to others?” this reframing allows us to let go of the nagging pain and anxiety around the inevitable errors in judgement or action we have all experienced.
courage is needed in order to reframe. it is so much easier to continue to follow the same brain-grooves that have deepened in our neurology over decades. courage is needed to receive the wisdom of those inevitables. courage is needed to find the way to carve a new brain-goove, a new journey, a new pathway.
and courage is needed to share the wisdom we have gained. we might need to speak up in places and at times where we might have remained silent. courage is needed to respond to our inner wisdom and discern what is beneficial to us and to those around us.to live, fully and authentically, in our emerging wisdom is a courageous act of selfhood, or elderhood.
the path of forgiveness~~part four
how to open to the spacious compassion that is forgiveness? we might begin simply by breathing, finding where it lives in us. this practice might take us to the spacious sea.
Begin by making yourself comfortable. Become aware of your breath. In this quiet internal space, create an environment that is safe and comforting. Invite, in your imagination, the person you wish to forgive into your safe space. This person could be yourself. Hold this person in your mind’s eye and in your heart. Allow your breath to flow out and in again.
Step 1: Physical Level—Breathe!What is it that you need to forgive? Hold the memory of this incident clearly. Where do you feel it in your body? What physical sensations arise? Is there tingling, buzzing, aching, pain? There may be a few places in your body that respond to this question. Simply be with your body as you consider what needs forgiveness.
Step 2: Emotional Level—Breathe!In your imagination, tell the one being forgiven all of the pain you have suffered as a result of this incident. Ask that person to tell you his/her pain resulting from it.Now allow yourself to go back and forth between you and the other. Have a conversation about both of your feelings.Take a moment to picture the other as the young, innocent child that he/she once was. Notice what you are feeling as you see this image.
Step 3: Mental Level—Breathe!Consider how you would have preferred it to have been (positive), but did not experience. As you breath, let go of these thoughts so that you can focus on the truth of the experience. Holding on to the “ideal” you wish for might stand in the way of forgiveness. Letting go allows more freedom and spaciousness.
Step 4: Spiritual Level—Breathe!Extend open hands out to the imaginal one being forgiven. See yourself standing in front of this person and say in your mind’s voice: “I completely release you from all grudges of the past. We are both free now to have a more sustainable, happier relationship.”Breathe!And now, still seeing yourself standing in front of this person say in your mind’s voice, “I take responsibility for my actions, attitudes and behaviours.”
Step 5: Breathe!Move your consciousness to your higher self, or whatever word you use for your inner support. Open yourself to receive love from this all embracing, all accepting part of you. Allow this love flow into every part of you to heal all hurt and pain. Slowly let it fill the void left by letting go.
Step 6: Breathe!When you feel ready, in your minds eye and heart, extend your hands outward and say: “With the help of my higher self, I send love out to you and your higher self just the way you have been and the way you are now.”
Step 7: Breathe!Now, with a bit more internal space available, name what is good in the one to whom you have just extended forgiveness, and what is good in yourself.Take a moment now to notice how you feel in body, mind, emotions and spirit. Then slowly, as you are ready, open your eyes and come back into the room. You might want to make some notes in your journal to consider later.