forgetting/re-membering

i was chatting with a friend recently......and noted that both of us had a bit of difficulty remembering details, names, timeframes. it seems that forgetting has become a regular event. many of us live in fear of forgetting. as dementia has come more into public conversation, we who are living in the third phase of life have become concerned that we too may have the early signs of dementia.for most of us, this is simply the normal forgetfulness and not a harbinger of anything at all. in this chatty time with a dear friend we laughed, as we often do, at the process of our eldering years. and then she said…

forgetting makes space for wisdom to come in.

~~ a.r.

there have been numerous studies done on the process of ageing brains. this information may be useful and can also be frightening. but what of other ways of using our intelligence? what of other aspects of mind that are not associated with the physical organ of the brain? what connects the brain with the heart? and what about our “gut feelings”? where do they fit into our re-membering?in his remarkable and challenging book, a new republic of the heart, terry patton tells us, “we used to think that neutrons were concentrated exclusively in our brain and spinal cord. now we know that they are also concentrated in our heart and in our gut.” he goes on to say that there are extensive masses of neurons in both the heart and gut that behave similarly to the neurons in the brain. in fact there are more nerve cells in the digestive tract than in the spinal cord!the connection between brain, heart and gut is vital to how we live, how our wisdom manifests and how we remember. trusting the heart and gut, believing that we “know” in many ways, may go some way to alleviate the concerns we have about ageing brains. our wisdom may take on a more important role than our ability to remember dates, telephone numbers and the sequence of events twenty-five or more years ago. the wisdom of our experience lives in the heart and the gut.we need only bring that wisdom into our daily lives, into our connection with others and into our community.

doors

a door.a simple thing.a piece of wood on hinges, with a knob or a push plate. a door.a complex thing.a space within each of us that can open or close on the hinges of the heartmind.

the doors we open and close each day decide the lives we live.

~~flora whittemore

a door within can allow free passage of ideas, feelings, sensations, thoughts. the very same doors can block that flow. over the years we, as elders, may have many doors within…some open to the new or the familiar; others firmly closed to aspects of the past; yet others that may open occasionally to allow flow for a period of time then close again. and each day provides many opportunities to choose…open, closed, sometimes.keeping some doors open may require acts of will. these may be the doors of conscious attention, the choice for awareness. opening these doors may reflect the decision to live fully, with increasing sensitivity to our inner and outer landscapes. we may have decided to live a life dedicated to a passion, to a new interest, to inner work. these doors may require care to keep them open. they may even require a doorstop! perhaps the habits of a lifetime long to slam them shut again.the choice to open the door and then keep it open is one that the elder holds dear. she may not have had this choice earlier in life, the demands of previous stages of growth were simply too relentless. now, as an elder, he has the choice to decide the life he lives.other doors simply want to stay open all the time, without any seeming effort. these doors are the ones that allow the flow of the familiar, the comfortable, the ease. these doors open the way to that which has supported life for years…wonderful friends, lovers, family or work that is still meaningful and fulfilling.these doors may be the openings to creativity that now, in the elder years, has more time to flourish.these doors may be the doors that lead to joy.

a sacred task

one of the sacred tasks of the elder is to recognise her/his mortality…to face death and look openly at the terror. because we are hard-wired for survival, to look at death is to defy our genes and our conditioning. and yet, there is truly no other task to perform. in his book, my father’s wake: how the irish teach us to live, love and die, war reporter kevin toolis allows us to look clearly at the ritual of the wake, one of the oldest rituals of humankind. the irish wake has it’s own religions flavour, mixed liberally with pagan rites.movingly, he reveals the inner work of the wake for the mourners and for the community in which they live and die. there is a deep sense of sharing, whether the person who died was known well, only superficially or not at all. in the reading we are invited to be part of the wake, having met toolis’s father through the son’s words and memories. so we too become part of the waking community.he tells us “it felt easier to live with death close than to live with the emptiness of denial.” we are invited to touch the person in the coffin, to feel the cold, “rubber glove” texture.we are not separated from death. in fact, toolis invites us to attend an irish wake. he assures us we will be welcome, no matter who we are. “sorry for your troubles” will gain us entry and allow us to become part of this on-going thread in irish life and death.toolis has seen death in many war-torn countries and interviewed the survivors of horror…the mothers and fathers, the cousins, the lovers. i believe him when he writes,

“death comes in many guises. whether we rage against the dying of the light, eagerly embrace the darkness, we must all find our own way. we shall all, man, woman, adult or child, answer to the mystery of our lives—our becoming—in our death. the person who we are, the deeds by which we defined ourselves throughout our days, will be the answer to our quest. and we shall encounter death in the lives of those we have loved, those we have hated and those we have casually known. on death’s shore there will be no right or wrong, only a better or worse way to die. and there will be a lesson, to, in how to live, and how to love.”

the sacred task of dying is living fully.

a good night's sleep

it seems there is a relationship between a good night’s sleep and loneliness. in a recent issue of the ‘i’ newspaper i read that researchers at the university of california, berkeley discovered that being deprived of sleep can actually make people avoid contact with others. and, to add insult, those who are sleep-deprived are less socially attractive to others. even more frightening, the research showed that “a viral contagion of social isolation” can be caused by an encounter between a well-rested person and a person lacking sleep.on the other side of the research, we learn that just one night of good sleep makes a person feel more outgoing and confident, thereby attracting others and cutting down on the reality of isolation.could lack of sleep be a contributing factor to the enormous social issue of isolation among elders? it seems to be common wisdom that as we grow older we need less sleep. but is it actually true? the research results are mixed. there are certainly reasons for sleep-deprivation among olders…physical ailments and pain, snoring, changes in body rhythms (circadian rhythms), and the annual changes in day/night length.an article published by by claudia hammond on 17 may 2016 in BBC Future tells us:

After examining the findings of 320 studies an expert panel convened by the National Sleep Foundation in the US recommends seven-to-nine-hours sleep a night for adults up to the age of 64 and seven-to-eight hours for the over 65s.Yet the idea of changes in the processes underlying circadian rhythms as we age, also seems compelling. So this is one where it’s not yet possible to say whether it’s a myth that older people need less sleep. What we do know is that trying to sleep on long, lonely dark mornings, and finding yourself awake, but unrefreshed, is miserable and should be taken seriously.

it is this last sentence that interests me, particularly the last phrase…(it) “should be taken seriously”. we see here, again, the need for older peoples’ lives to be taken seriously…and, at present, they are not.could the isolation epidemic among olders be cured by better sleep patterns? what can be done? the same article suggested that cognitive behaviour therapies would be a cost effective possibility, and certainly less addictive than sleeping pills! could bedtime mediation practices and simple, restorative yoga practices also be part of the solution to the current situation of sleep deprivation/loneliness/isolation.let’s sleep on it and may we wake up, literally and figuratively, to a more connected world!

living an examined life

that’s the title of a book by james hollis, a jungian analyst and executive director of the jung society of washington, d.c. the subtitle is wisdom for the second half of the journey.in true jungian style, this is a book about the soul, about what cannot be earned, achieved, accomplished, bought, or borrowed. it’s about truly growing up, growing to be the soulful, conscious humans we are meant to be.the book title and subtitle certainly caught my attention. even the chapter titles intrigued me…”let go of the old”, “recover personal authority”, “choose meaning over happiness”, and “come back to your task”.

this book is about unfinished business...

…and finishing it.

though it can be read cover-to-cover, it might be more useful to read a chapter and be with that transformative work for a week or so before moving on. it’s meant to be read over and over, so that we are reminded of our eldering process. each of these gems is meant to be savoured, tasted, lived and embodied as we grow older so that ageing becomes a gift to ourselves, from our selves…from our soul, that deepest part of who we are.here’s a bit of his voice from the chapter about our task.in considering what matters most one of the first things that came to his mind

“was that one’s life not be governed by fear. fear is unavoidable, but a life in which fear calls the shots is one that results in terrible malformations of the soul. as we know, nature always demands its due, and so the soul, which is our metaphor for the fact that we are meaning-seeking and meaning-creating animals, demands respect.”

to find and actualise our task, connecting to and listening to that metaphor is essential. our task in the elder aspect of life is different from earlier times when learning, earning a living, making our way in the world, creating family and friends were our tasks. now it is time to listen to our accumulated wisdom and knowledge and put them in service of the soul.that service may be expansive or contained, personal or civic, social or meditative. in truth, it doesn’t matter where that energy is manifested. what matters is that it is manifested…through the unique meaning-seeking, meaning-making being that you are.

truth/fear

fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth.~~pema chodron

pema chodron is a contemporary american buddhist nun and teacher in the tibetan tradition. she is noted for bringing the teachings of the Buddha to everyday issues, particularly emotional issues. she is not shy, nor does she shy away from the difficult issues that arise from abuse, insecurity, intolerance, prejudice, fear, pain of all kinds.she herself is an exemplar of joy. she radiates trust and sincerity and compassion with every sentence. so i believe her when she says that fear is a natural reaction to coming closer to the truth.fear arises in both predictable and unpredictable ways…when we feel threatened, when we are about to step into a new role, when we approach the unknown, and when we are surpised by a new joy. to be open to the truth of these situations, and to stay conscious in the midst of the fear, is often remarkably difficult, painful in itself.and yet, if it brings truth closer, it seems worth the effort of facing it.one of the greatest challenges, and provokers of fear, we face daily is the fear of death, of our mortality.in the essential elder phase of life that fear becomes ever more real, ever closer, ever more present. and it is the truth. we will all die, in the next moment or in many more years.it is inevitable and unpredictable.knowing that the natural sensations and awareness of fear can move us closer to the truth, we are challenged to step into a different relationship with the feelings of dread, of terror, of depression. we might use the fear as a doorway to our liberation. we might regard fear as a path to freedom, a path to joy in each moment.how would it feel to spend a minute, an hour, a day, a lifetime knowing that deeper truth could be known every time we experience fear?shall we sit for a moment, together, in pema chodron's world, opening our hearts to fear and breathing in the joy-filled potential of our freedom?