“this is the best time in my life. i love being old.”“why is it good to be old?”i answered spontaneously and a little on the defensive, for i sensed incredulity in the questioner, “because i am more myself than i have ever been. there is less conflict. i am happier, more balanced, and more powerful.”
these words were written by may sarton in her book at seventy. she was responding to an audience member who attended a reading of the book.
at 70 she felt “more” herself than ever. it took seven decades to find that place of self-knowing, of self-love in which it is possible to feel at home. this is the place of Self united with self. this is the connection to our inner strength, the awareness of our inner wholeness.sarton also tells us that she felt happier and more balanced than she had before 70. she had had a fortunate childhood, found love with other women and had her share of heartbreak along with all that comes with being a sensitive, well-known writer. and it took 70 years of life experience to find her inner happiness and balance.most telling, i think, is her acknowledgment of her power. culturally, we regard olders as weak, frail, ill, useless...anything but powerful. yet she found her elder power at 70. she found her vibrant, clear and thought-provoking power at an age when most are relegated to the background.what is it that sparks that power? as a writer, may sarton was used to looking inward where she found her poetry and prose. she was used to observing the cycles of nature in her garden and in the challenging landscape of her adopted home. she was used to recording what she saw and felt and experienced. she was used to refining her words in order to evoke their power so that the reader could feel her or his power.looking inwardobserving naturebecome awareshare with othersshe has given us remarkable gifts...at 70.
the glaucoma is stable, but those pesky cataracts keep changing, making various aspects of vision difficult at times. so yet another pair of lenses were made for my flashy, teal blue spectacle frames (which i love!).as i walked home with new eyes i asked myself to see differently. what did this new vision give me? was it only that the outer world was clearer, sharper in definition, more vivid? or did i also acquire a new inner vision?this inner vision shows me a larger world, one in which i am intimately connected to all things. my heart beats in rhythm with the planet. i am part of a great web of life force. there are many times when i am blind to this connection. and then there are moments of great clarity, bright illumination, when the connection is strong, profound and vibrantly alive.
this clarity arises in some of the most ordinary of circumstances. i might see a bee exploring a flower, or a newly green leaf unfolding, or hearing a baby gurgle. or i might simply be savouring my decaf cappuccino! there are moments of boarding a bus and seeing the driver’s smile when my heart opens and the driver and the driven are one.what contributes to and supports this inner sight? in developing an inner life, this vision expands. at first it is a mental construct, something i think or believe is true so i become willing to follow a path of inquiry and exploration. yes, it’s challenging. and there are times i would rather be almost anywhere else than sitting in meditation. the challenges grow greater when my hips or knees hurt and i decide to sit in a chair!and, in spite of the challenges, there is no where else i would rather ‘live‘ that in this interior landscape. there are no great moments of enlightenment, no sudden realisations. there is only what is, in each moment.sometimes what is has the quality of tranquility and calm. at other times my mind is frenetic or fraught. i may be peaceful or panicked. i may be lethargic or energised. whatever is true in the moment is where i live. opening to the awareness of the present opens my eyes to a new vision of reality.
the sky is a mix of blue patches and cloud. i walk on the promenade at the seafront. also on the promenade are a few runners, several dog walkers, a few fitness buffs, one swimmer, and flocks of seagulls. i breathe the sea air, an elixir, a tonic to bodymindspirit.as i look up, witness to the ever-changing pattern of cloud, i am filled with gratitude. the pure miracle of life stops me in my tracks. i am awed by the flow of energy, of life on its own terms, of the delicate and raw nature that surrounds this urban area.it is hard to contain my emotion as i watch the clouds re-arrange themselves in patterns that can never be duplicated.this is the miracle of life. nothing stays the same and nothing can be repeated.gratitude is given at the same time as it is received. as i offer my thanks to the elements, to the goddesses of sky, wind and sea, i receive a deep sense of contentment, of love. i am filled with the nature of being.this sense of open, receptive gratitude is certainly part of life at any stage. as an elder there is a particular awareness of the fleeting nature, not only of the clouds, but of each moment, each breath. each is unique, never to be repeated, never to be duplicated.and each joins me to the whole of nature, to the whole of all beings.
this daily quiet, this moving into the heart, may, just may, make it possible to be present in the moments of pain or fear as the body changes. it may, just may, make it possible to find passion and connection at those moments when we might feel out of control and helpless. it may, just may, be the moments when we can find and abide in our own truth and goodness.this quiet practice may, just may, make it possible to live fully each day, appreciating every moment.it may, just may, make it possible to be aware at the moment of death.
the ability to reflect asks us to take in a gestalt, a field of energy, with our intuitive sense rather than the rational mind. how does the situation feel? where does the energy flow? where is the silence in the midst of the words? where is the living Spirit present in each conversation?as part of the curriculum of the elder we can show that ageing is not a mistake, that it is a valuable, indeed necessary, part of all cultures. we can change the current paradigm by being the mirror, by being that reflective surface that allows others to see who they really are, the truth of their being.we have the capacity do this because we have turned the mirror around and reflected on ourselves.i must know my fears, my reactions, my delights, my anger, my love, my boredom, my peace in order to speak my truth. to know these aspects of who i am i must quiet my mind and reflect enough to see truth.and i must develop resilience to face the face i see in the mirror.
