so many physical changes. parts of me hurt that never hurt before. i have cried. i have felt angry. never have i felt joyful over this.until today...as i practiced yoga.today i had another experience.i was curious...curious about how these pains actually felt. i said to myself today, “isn’t this interesting?” “i wonder what this holds for me, what can i explore here?”
the voice in my head (i'll bet you have one too!) says i am supposed to be able to practice as i did at 45 when i attended my first yoga class. even then i couldn’t do what the 20-year olds could do, but that was okay then. this voice has told me repeatedly that how i am able to practice at 71 was not good enough...until today.today, curiosity became the watchword. isn’t this interesting!suddenly, my shoulders felt more open, my hips more supple. nothing changed...except my mind. curiosity led me to breathe into the discomfort, into the sensations, so that i could explore what was there. as i became more acutely aware of exactly what was happening, i could be with the moment and then make a choice. curiosity slowed my conditioned response to move away from discomfort.at that moment i could decide...shall i stay here with this discomfort and continue to inquire? shall i, with continued awareness and curiosity, adjust my body to lessen the discomfort and see what is there in that new place? shall i simply let go and lie down happily on my mat?
there is no “right” answer to these questions...they are all right.curiosity led to equanimity.
a peaceful heart
cultivating a peaceful heart is the work of a lifetime. when this truth comes fully into awareness we can join it. we can start to be with our being.~~~gunilla norris, inviting silence: how to find inner stillness and calm, 2004
a peaceful heart...a heart that is open, loving, caring, and capable of breaking and healing...over and over again.a peaceful heart is one that has come to terms with life in all its guises, in all its aspects and all its adventures.a peaceful heart has grown over years to feel deeply all that life gives. it has expanded and contracted, both physically and emotionally, over a lifetime.
to have a peaceful heart is a human desire, a human longing, a human being. to simply be, to sit in awareness of what is, takes a lifetime of conscious practice and, as the buddha called it, right effort. some may be blessed with this ability from an early age, though, for most of us, it takes decades of opening and closing, of remembering and forgetting.and this being in the heart in peace is what we can model for others, whether they are younger than we are or older.peace in the heart is not always tranquil. it can be painful, searingly painful. and there can be peace alongside the pain. peace in the heart is being with what is. we are conditioned to avoid pain and move toward pleasure. this too is human being. we know that pain is inevitable, and, as the saying goes, suffering is optional. it is the suffering that is set aside by a peaceful heart. that heart can hold the pain without suffering, without adding or subtracting even an iota of what is present in the moment.as we grow in years we experience losses, of course. and it is a peaceful heart that can hold these losses as they come. they are an essential part of life, of being. without the impermanence of things, experiences, objects, and people there would be no growth, no creation, no joy.cultivating a peaceful heart is the path we walk as conscious elders...we walk both for ourselves and for others. let us be with our being.
(with 79 years of life experience, gunilla norris is a spiritual teacher who flies under the radar. she is not well known and does not teach a specific tradition, rather encourages us to see the spirit in daily life, mundane activities and each breath.)
and what of sorrow?
sorrow is a sadness that stays. this is not regret, but rather the feeling of loss. we lose much as the years pass. not only might we lose some of our vitality, abilities, and mental capacities, we lose friends. we lose family...blood family and family of choice.there is a void where each of these losses once lived. there is a space that can never truly be filled to replace that which has been lost. only a shadow, a fraction, a fragment can now abide in that space. the remainder of those spaces is filled with memory.
i was not close with my mother. we had conflict unspoken all my life. and yet, now that she has been dead for almost a decade, i often think of her fondly. i might see something...a piece of jewellery (she had some beauties!) in a shop window...or smell something...a freshly baked croissant (one of her indulgences)...or feel whipped cream (one of her favourites) on my tongue and there she is! she emerges complete in the memory of my mindheart in her most joyous self. and then i feel sorrow for the imagined past, for what might have been. and then the sorrow is replaced by the taste and smell and sight of my mother’s gladness.
a woman i knew, younger than i, died a few years ago. i did not know her well, but knew her in a rich, intense context. when she died i was filled with sorrow. i did not regret knowing her only a short time. i did not miss her as a friend. and yet, there was sorrow. i missed knowing she was on the planet, contributing her spritely energy, her smile, her insight. the world lost a unique being. and i lost a connection that can never be replaced...not even by a shadow, or a fragment, or a fraction.
afgo! afgo???? part 2
it happened on the yoga mat.it happened early in the morning.not another afgo, but a true growth opportunity.as the most recent crash of my ego happened on the yoga mat, the opportunity lay there as well...the opportunity to surrender in the form of asana, the physical manifestation of a deep inner state.surrender is symbolized by a bow...a lowering of the head or body, often to the ground. in yoga practice a simple forward fold took me to surrender. with my head lower than my heart i could allow a profound sense of acceptance.
this is how it is right now.this moment is exactly as it is...and so is this moment.this moment might contain joy, or grief, or pain, or realisation, or despair.and this moment might contain any of those states, or one of a myriad of others. surrender brings the awareness of change, of the transitory nature of life and all that life contains. surrender allows for open-heartedness, for compassion and for love.this form of surrender, a deep forward fold, is not passive. it is not a giving up. rather, it is an offering up of my conditioning, my image, my false self. it is an offering up of all the constructs that seem to be real in favour of what actually is real.i may never be able to practice that particular asana again..or i may be able to practice it the next time i stand on my mat.i fold my palms in gratitude for afgo!
afgo! afgo?
afgo! afgo????it happened in my favourite yoga class with my favourite teacher.it happened as i was walking in my snuggly warm ugg boots.it happened when i held a pen too long.it happened when i had too many skype calls in one day.it happened as i was tossing and turning, unable to sleep.it happened as i was swallowing the pills and potions that are supposed to “be good for me”.it happened as i decided to take the bus instead of walking.it could happen at any time, in any place...an afgo!“what’s an afgo?” you ask.it’s another f---ing growth opportunity!i was in the yoga studio, probably the eldest in the class. okay, no problem. i’m used to that. we all, with mindful attention, connect with breath, connect with various parts of ourselves and bring them into wholeness.so far, so good.then afgo appeared...a familiar asana (yoga posture), one i have practiced hundreds of times.
only this time i couldn’t. my body simply wouldn’t move into that shape, wouldn’t create the space to live in that way, wouldn’t breathe itself into that form of bliss.my ego took over and, instead of into grace, i plunged into anger/shame/depression/frustration. “this is not supposed to happen to me. i was a yoga teacher for years. i’m supposed to be able to practice this asana until i’m 108 years old!”, my ego cried.wow, that voice was shouting at the top of its expanded lungs. i left the studio on the verge of tears. my heart ached with the loss of my former self, the self i had cultivated and the self in whom i found my identity. it all came crashing down in grief. and this is an afgo, for sure.“okay”, the more awakened part of me said, “what f---ing growth opportunities can arise from this grief?”can i grow to love this new body?can i grow to embrace what is?can i grow to release the image my ego had created?can i grow to let my spirit hold me in the present moment?can i grow to allow beauty to abound while i...all of me...changes each day?can i contemplate who “i” is really?
positive.news 2
as i continued to plumb the depths of “the age advantage” article in positive.news i was happy to read the unnamed author’s findings about the idea of anti-ageing. she/he tells us that the editor in chief of the US women’s magazine, allure, has resolved to stop using that term and has asked the beauty industry to do the same. editor michelle lee says, “when we use the term anti-ageing, whether we know it or not, we’re subtly reinforcing the message that ageing is a condition we need to battle”.the anti-ageing sector of the cosmetic industry generates billions as women and men frantically attempt to have un-lined and un-sagging skin, un-grey hair, un-flabby muscles and all the other physical changes that happen on the continuum of ageing.
i find this all deeply disturbing. while it certainly behooves us to stay as healthy in bodymindheartspirit as we are able, i want my age to show. i want every wrinkle, grey hair and arthritic joint to be on display. to have elderhood honoured and respected we must honour and respect it ourselves. by attempting to erase all the signs of ageing, we participate in our own diminishment. we participate in supporting the notion that only the young have contributions to offer to our society and that we, the olders, are a burdensome, useless demographic. (interesting to me is the fact that most youngers who complain about us as a group don’t realise they are complaining about their own grandparents and great-grandparents!)what would our world be like if we gave up the idea that “ageing is a condition we need to battle”? what would our world be like if every time we noticed a new wrinkle or experienced a new discomfort, we said to ourselves, “wow. this is interesting. i wonder where it will take me, what it can teach me.”we would be living in a very different world, one filled with compassion and grace, love and caring...and joy!