today i searched fruitlessly for a particular pen. i needed it for an artwork i was drawing.
only this pen would do! (though this is not an advertisement!)
i looked everywhere...the kitchen table where i do this work and the pen holders (obvious), the cutlery drawer, the kitchen thingy drawer, various desk drawers (less obvious, but possible). finally, i succumbed to the possibility that i might have tossed it, unthinkingly, into one of several rubbish bins (also possible).after carefully, mindfully searching, to no avail, i concluded the pen had gone to the fourth dimension where it would live (along with single socks, various keys and a pair of sunglasses) until it decided to re-join me.resignedly, i sat down again to draw and opened a pen, one that would suffice, but not as well ,and would demand more effort to get the effect i wanted.i removed the cap and (as you have already guessed) there it was, in my hand, ready to go to work! i had looked at the collection of pens on the table five, bloody times and it wasn’t there!!!! arghhhh!a big sigh of relief.and then the question...is it alzheimer’s disease?it seems that every slight slip of the memory cogs can bring forward this question. we try to joke about it, but in reality, fear lies behind the attempts at humour. this fear seems to be have over-taken cancer and heart disease as the biggest fear among those of us who are ageing. the prospect of loss of control seems more frightening than chemotherapy, radiation and surgery. the thought that we might not be able to recognise those we love or we might behave in seemingly irrational ways appears to be more frightening than open heart surgery.in her 2016 book this chair rocks: a manifesto against ageism, ashton applewhite tells us that only 4% of americans over 65 live in nursing homes. “90% of the remainder can think just fine.” she assures us that the vast majority of older americans are “slowed somewhat but fully capable of finding their slippers sooner or later and making their way in the world.” i imagine the same is true, to a large extent, in the UK and other developed countries.while 4% of the over 65s in the US is a large number of people, it is still a small proportion of the total. and, according to applewhite, only 10% of the over 85 population live in nursing homes.so why the fear? why the horror stories? there is no doubt that alzheimer’s disease and other forms of dementia are painful, distressing conditions. yet it is the anxiety about them that the true epidemic. i have yet to encounter someone over 65 who does not have this anxiety. i would venture a guess that the vast majority of the ageing population is plagued by it. and while public education about these conditions is welcome, it feeds the fear in those of us who will never live with them.certainly it behooves us all to engage in whatever precautions and practices we decide are necessary to prevent dementia. at the same time it is in our best interest to tame the beast of the anxiety about it. and it is here that the process of conscious ageing steps in. we can observe the anxiety, stand witness to it, acknowledge it and breathe our way through each time it arises. we can locate the anxiety somewhere in our body and sigh into it. we can use whatever helpful self-soothing, techniques we know. we can acknowledge that we are powerless over the future and commit to living fully in the present.next time i “lose” something or can’t remember when i’m meeting a friend for lunch or have to look for my slippers i will breathe into the process, let go of whatever amount of anxiety i can at the time. and i will remind myself that i am part of the great 96% that does not live in a nursing home right now.now where did i put my slippers?
then, once you’re comfortable, begin to relax and surrender each part of your physical self by settling into the support of the floor (or bed/sofa). let the support rise up meet your body and allow it embrace you so that you don’t have to ‘hold’ your body.with your physical self more tranquil, begin to attend to your breath. simply observe the flow of breath out and breath in. notice where in your body you experience the breath...nostrils, upper chest, back, belly. it could be anywhere...simply notice without judgement.
when your breath has calmed and has become regular and steady, allow your attention to focus on your mind. notice if it wanders, jumping from thought to thought like a monkey. simply notice...and allow the thoughts to arise and fade away. imagine your mind to be the vast open space of sky, your thoughts are the clouds that simply float across the sky of your mind.
thinking is the nature of the mind, just as digestion is the nature of the gut. so allow your mind to ‘have’ the thoughts without following their story. these are simply thoughts, not imperatives. slowly, you may notice there is more space between the cloud thoughts and they hold your attention more loosely.when body, breath and mind are calm, notice how you are. become aware of the deep sense of peace, of letting go, of simply being....being exactly where and how you are.this is the opportunity for surrender.this is the opportunity for shavasana, the corpse pose...serene, receptive and united.this is the opportunity of spiritual eldering.
this ending to a yoga class is designed to bring us as close to the experience of death as we might have while still alive. i consider it the most difficult pose in the yoga canon. i had the privilege of teaching yoga for many years and my students always looked surprised when i made this statement. how could this relaxation posture be so difficult, even more difficult than headstand or the full lotus? how could simply lying on the floor be the most challenging pose?to come to complete stillness in body, breath and mind is a remarkable feat, one that yoga practitioners explore for a lifetime. this is the most important yoga practice there is...the preparation for death.when we enter into shavasana there is certainly a sense of relaxation. as we go deeper, there is the realisation of profound openness and coherence, wholeness, oneness...union. the word yoga itself means 'union', and shavasana is the opportunity to experience that state. or we can aspire to and practice entering that state! we elders, who are approaching the end of our time alive, can consciously rehearse, so to speak, without going to a formal yoga class.we can prepare, consciously, for dying and death in order to live life with greater awareness, deeper gratitude and more abundant joy.
sigh...i’ve joined a gym.this one is small, clean, fresh and populated by people who care about themselves, many over 50. what a relief! this huge change happened as i recovered from a 4-week long relationship with environmental toxins. the toxic exposure left me with intense lung irritation and respiratory difficulties for which there was “no” cure. so i decided to do steam inhalations. lo and behold, the old-fashioned worked wonders.
my slow recovery and recuperation inspired me to strengthen my body and to explore my body at 71. off i went to the gym, paid my money and received the usual cursory introduction to a few warm-ups and a few machines. oh well...i’ve booked a session with a personal trainer for more personal instruction more suited to who i am...sigh.after a swim today i had an insight. i recognised that this process is about much more than my body. it is about creating and maintaining a sacred space for Spirit to live in me. i want this temple to be a space of energy and love, a space for expansion of my consciousness. keeping the temple in good order is part of service to myself as an elder, as well as service to that which is outside me. the energy i contribute, simply by being, is vital to the functioning of the whole. when that energy is vibrant, i am able to give the most i have.i also recognised, after the swim, that there are times when the energy in my temple is at a low ebb, where my contribution is less about with what i do, and more about who, and how, i am in myself. even while my physical self dealt with the toxic exposure i was aware that my essential self was just fine.the temple structure continues on its way, flowing and ebbing, while that which is housed in the sacred space can stay connected, open, compassionate, tranquil and loving.
at 70 she felt “more” herself than ever. it took seven decades to find that place of self-knowing, of self-love in which it is possible to feel at home. this is the place of Self united with self. this is the connection to our inner strength, the awareness of our inner wholeness.sarton also tells us that she felt happier and more balanced than she had before 70. she had had a fortunate childhood, found love with other women and had her share of heartbreak along with all that comes with being a sensitive, well-known writer. and it took 70 years of life experience to find her inner happiness and balance.most telling, i think, is her acknowledgment of her power. culturally, we regard olders as weak, frail, ill, useless...anything but powerful. yet she found her elder power at 70. she found her vibrant, clear and thought-provoking power at an age when most are relegated to the background.what is it that sparks that power? as a writer, may sarton was used to looking inward where she found her poetry and prose. she was used to observing the cycles of nature in her garden and in the challenging landscape of her adopted home. she was used to recording what she saw and felt and experienced. she was used to refining her words in order to evoke their power so that the reader could feel her or his power.looking inwardobserving naturebecome awareshare with othersshe has given us remarkable gifts...at 70.