i recently had my eyeglass prescription changed...yet again.
the glaucoma is stable, but those pesky cataracts keep changing, making various aspects of vision difficult at times. so yet another pair of lenses were made for my flashy, teal blue spectacle frames (which i love!).as i walked home with new eyes i asked myself to see differently. what did this new vision give me? was it only that the outer world was clearer, sharper in definition, more vivid? or did i also acquire a new inner vision?this inner vision shows me a larger world, one in which i am intimately connected to all things. my heart beats in rhythm with the planet. i am part of a great web of life force. there are many times when i am blind to this connection. and then there are moments of great clarity, bright illumination, when the connection is strong, profound and vibrantly alive.
this clarity arises in some of the most ordinary of circumstances. i might see a bee exploring a flower, or a newly green leaf unfolding, or hearing a baby gurgle. or i might simply be savouring my decaf cappuccino! there are moments of boarding a bus and seeing the driver’s smile when my heart opens and the driver and the driven are one.what contributes to and supports this inner sight? in developing an inner life, this vision expands. at first it is a mental construct, something i think or believe is true so i become willing to follow a path of inquiry and exploration. yes, it’s challenging. and there are times i would rather be almost anywhere else than sitting in meditation. the challenges grow greater when my hips or knees hurt and i decide to sit in a chair!and, in spite of the challenges, there is no where else i would rather ‘live‘ that in this interior landscape. there are no great moments of enlightenment, no sudden realisations. there is only what is, in each moment.sometimes what is has the quality of tranquility and calm. at other times my mind is frenetic or fraught. i may be peaceful or panicked. i may be lethargic or energised. whatever is true in the moment is where i live. opening to the awareness of the present opens my eyes to a new vision of reality.
a stroll by the sea
it's 6:00 in the morning.
the sky is a mix of blue patches and cloud. i walk on the promenade at the seafront. also on the promenade are a few runners, several dog walkers, a few fitness buffs, one swimmer, and flocks of seagulls. i breathe the sea air, an elixir, a tonic to bodymindspirit.as i look up, witness to the ever-changing pattern of cloud, i am filled with gratitude. the pure miracle of life stops me in my tracks. i am awed by the flow of energy, of life on its own terms, of the delicate and raw nature that surrounds this urban area.it is hard to contain my emotion as i watch the clouds re-arrange themselves in patterns that can never be duplicated.this is the miracle of life. nothing stays the same and nothing can be repeated.gratitude is given at the same time as it is received. as i offer my thanks to the elements, to the goddesses of sky, wind and sea, i receive a deep sense of contentment, of love. i am filled with the nature of being.this sense of open, receptive gratitude is certainly part of life at any stage. as an elder there is a particular awareness of the fleeting nature, not only of the clouds, but of each moment, each breath. each is unique, never to be repeated, never to be duplicated.and each joins me to the whole of nature, to the whole of all beings.
spiritual practice
baby boomers cut their spiritual teeth on timothy leary, richard alpert, a.k.a., ram dass, joni mitchell, and grace slick the the airplane. we had pure mind expansion at our disposal and, along with the beatles, began to explore meditation, tai ji, breathwork and, of course, psychotherapy.where are we now? the first of us boomers, born in 1946, are 71 now. we have bus passes and pensions, glasses and dental implants (if we can afford them), orthotics and knee replacements. what has happened to our spiritual endeavours? we may have gone on meditation retreats, trying to reach the promised nirvana. we may have had years of therapy, trying to find peace with our inner demons. we may have had marriages and divorces trying to find happiness in relationship. we may, or may not, have had children for many reasons. we may have had 'good' jobs, or we may have worked it mac donald's. we may have decided it was a load of c--p and dropped the entire pursuit. our lives have unfolded as they did.what do we have now? what has endured from our first tiptoe into our spiritual lives? anything?regardless of the answer to that last question, spiritual, or contemplative, practice is essential to conscious ageing. to make space regularly for quiet, inner looking allows us to see truth...the truth of who we are at this moment. we may find distress or peace, questions or answers, calm or upset. in all of these discoveries we are in the truth of the moment, this moment, the only moment.
this daily quiet, this moving into the heart, may, just may, make it possible to be present in the moments of pain or fear as the body changes. it may, just may, make it possible to find passion and connection at those moments when we might feel out of control and helpless. it may, just may, be the moments when we can find and abide in our own truth and goodness.this quiet practice may, just may, make it possible to live fully each day, appreciating every moment.it may, just may, make it possible to be aware at the moment of death.
reflections
reflections stem from the willingness to look within, to see what is there to be found. there is little value placed on reflectiveness in our culture. instead we value the rational, the linear, the trajectory forward. reflection calls for the ability to look backward, to hold what was in the light of what is.elders have the time and space to reflect and to act as mirrors to our communities. this is one of the many gifts of conscious eldering. while this mirroring might take the form of guiding and mentoring younger people, it may also take a less tangible form...that of simply being the mirror in each conversation, in each connection with another being. 
the ability to reflect asks us to take in a gestalt, a field of energy, with our intuitive sense rather than the rational mind. how does the situation feel? where does the energy flow? where is the silence in the midst of the words? where is the living Spirit present in each conversation?as part of the curriculum of the elder we can show that ageing is not a mistake, that it is a valuable, indeed necessary, part of all cultures. we can change the current paradigm by being the mirror, by being that reflective surface that allows others to see who they really are, the truth of their being.we have the capacity do this because we have turned the mirror around and reflected on ourselves.i must know my fears, my reactions, my delights, my anger, my love, my boredom, my peace in order to speak my truth. to know these aspects of who i am i must quiet my mind and reflect enough to see truth.and i must develop resilience to face the face i see in the mirror.
the five questions
i read recently that, in the UK, cancer diagnosis is more common than weddings. and that this disease is most common in people over 65. and that this disease is the most feared of all diseases, surpassing heart disease by 33%, even though heart disease is the cause of many more deaths.what does that mean to we who are 65+? do we live in fear? do we allow this fear to colour all of our remaining days? because we are living longer and therefore might have more fear-filled days, how do we manage?my immediate family have all died of cancer. none of those forms of cancer are hereditary, but the odds of my dying of cancer are high. i used to think i would die of heart disease, since that too has taken its toll in my extended family. but since 2009, when my brother was diagnosed with multiple myeloma, i switched to cancer.well...we will all die of something! really, it’s the treatment of cancer that is so dreadful, and so likely to fill me with fear. what will i choose? chemotherapy? radio therapy? alternative therapies? surgery? i have no answer, nor do i imagine i will have one until, and if, the time comes. it is only when faced with the reality of disease and death that i will know what is right for me.being mortal is a wonderful book by an american physician of indian descent, atul gawande. he suggests that we ask ourselves five questions as we face the difficult decisions of disease and its treatment.
1. What is your understanding of where you are and of your illness?2. What are your fears or worries for the future?3. What are your goals and priorities?4. What outcomes are unacceptable to you? What are you willing to sacrifice and not?And later,5. What would a good day look like?
there is truly no way to answer these questions ahead of time, but they do provide food for contemplation. how will we live? how will we die? how can spiritual practices support the decision-making and the actions that must be taken? what is the influence of belief on these decisions?more questions than answers...for now.
a vision
i am 100 years old.
i am on my deathbed, surrounded by those i love and who love me.i have lived a full life, a life of riches...filled with light and glory as well deep sadness and despair.from the deep well of depression have come lessons...reaching out, asking for help, surrendering to the dark times, finding compassion in the depths of the human condition.from the brilliant, glorious times have come lessons...elation, smiles that emerge from the brightest places in me, a deep tranquility, a profound love of all that exists, an intense commitment to spirit.it is from these extremes that i have arrived at centre...the calm, balanced state of equanimity. it is here that i was most able to share the lessons and the gifts. from this place of connection words have emerged in which others have found solace and inspiration. somehow i have been able to reach others, find the fire in them, touch their hearts.i have been able to embrace others as they walk their unique path. i have served as mentor and teacher, opening doors that had been closed, blocked by memory and hurt.i have danced in joy and in pain. i have opened to the magic of my body, the ecstasy and the changes of growth, maturity and age.wisdom has emerged along this path, wisdom i have shared with others.i have learned solitude as well as loneliness. i have learned connection with others. i have learned silence and inner searching. from this place, the joy of birdsong and words and music arose.in this moment, i breathe my last exhalation.