the ‘nasty virus’ has taken it’s toll. too many days spent in bed, on the sofa, seeking entertainment as i spluttered through several boxes of tissues and coughed as if i were a smoker! finally, recovery happened.
and then, post viral vertigo.
the world is spinning. moving from place to place is more than a challenge. it’s frightening. i need to hold on to furniture, walls, doors in order to stay upright. i walk very slowly and very mindfully. the street is suddenly less safe. i can’t turn my head quickly to look out for traffic.
finally, recovery happened.
and the experience has left me in awe of people who live with balance challenges moment to moment.
it left me with greater empathy and compassion for people living with post-stroke issues. it left me feeling more open to people who are vulnerable on the pavement, more willing to offer assistance.
being vulnerable in the wild means a predator will find you soon. do we have the same animal instinct to protect ourselves from being seen as vulnerable? is that why we want to look young and fit? certainly we all want to feel well and have a sense of engagement with the world around us. can we be vulnerable and engaged at the same time?
being emotionally vulnerable sometimes means being healthy, available and open to experience, whatever the experience may be. in this instance, vulnerability is a positive, beneficial state of being. it is the state of responsiveness and spaciousness.
i realise, in retrospect, that as the world was spinning, i could be both. i was certainly protective of my person, my physical self. at the same time, i was wide open to the anxiety, the sensations of nearly falling, the reaching out for support and the sense of being fully present to it all...including the desire for it to be over!
this is a gift of spiritual practice. i learned a great deal through this uncomfortable experience. my heart opened in ways unforeseen. it opened to a possible older self, a possible more vulnerable self.