illness

illness comes to us all. it is an experience shared by all humans...the body’s immunity fails, an organ grows weary or clogged, the bones become brittle and the skin thins. Bad news

as with all experiences, the deepest question is how to relate to it? how do i hold this challenge  in my heartmind? will i tell myself a decades-old story about what it means, bringing myself back to a time that is no longer present? will i engage in endless “what-ifs”?

or will i hold this experience in a vision of this moment? what is actually happening, right now?

which part of me will rise up and guide my way through this experience?

there is a deep desire to rest, to simply curl up into a foetal position, returning to the process of birth and slipping into sleep.

sleep-like-a-baby

and there is a deep desire to awaken to this moment, regardless of what it holds, to come to awareness of each breath and embrace it in its splendour.

awakening-starburst

 

feeling the pain, feeling the disappointment of no longer being as i was, feeling the anger at a new challenge to my body, to surrender to the truth of this moment are all essential to the process of awakening. without this authenticity all the years of spiritual practice and other inner work would be for nought.

gratefully, though i hear the old stories, it is possible to no longer believe them. the voices that tell the stories are audible. now they exist in the background. there is another truth to replace them. it is the truth of the now. this is not then.

this experience is simply this one, this now.

could this be a piece of the wisdom of elderhood?