who am i? who have i been? who might i be in 5, 10, 15 years?
western astrologers tell us that every 28 years saturn returns to the position it was in when we were born. this is a time of reflection, upheaval and change.
at 28, 56, and 84 saturn returns.
think about it...at 28 most of us reflect, with more or less angst, about our place in the world, our identity in the larger scheme of things. choices made at this time have an effect on the rest of our lives. we are, for the most part, adults and responsible. what decisions did we make then? how did those decisions effect our lives? could we change the course of our lives after that point?
and then the opportunity (astrologically speaking) arises again at 56. on my 56th birthday i realised i was closer to 60 than 50. at the time, that was a scary thought! it brought me up short. from that point on i began to think about ageing, old age, illness and death. while i hoped i had more years to live fully, i knew, knew in the deepest part of myself, that the inevitable was flowing closer.
and, i knew that it didn’t matter that i was a successful/unsuccessful something. it didn’t matter that i was/was not a partner/parent. i didn’t matter if i owned/didn’t own a car/house. it didn’t matter if i had/didn’t have a title/job. it didn’t matter if i was a woman or a man, straight or gay or bi or trans. it didn’t matter if i was blonde/brunette or dyed/natural. all of those identities didn’t matter in the least.
because all of these identities change many times in a lifetime, all that truly mattered was my inner being.
and what is that? what is our essence ? what is it that doesn’t change? what is it that remains while shape, health, teeth, digestion, relationships change?
as we age, we often remark that we don’t “feel” 60 or 70 or 80. what we might feel is our life force and we identify that energy with the time we were younger. i, for one, would not want to be a teenager or a 20-year or 30- year old ever again. i much prefer this 70+ time.
do i now identify as an ‘old’ woman?
or do i aspire to let go of all identities? can i be spontaneous? can i open to the present moment without the filters of age, gender, culture, conditioning? can i identify with the eternal?
can i be aware of awareness itself?
this is my aspiration.